Your mouth is God's brothel.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
