4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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