Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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