she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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