before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
