My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
