I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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