when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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