Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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