"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
