he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
