I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
