I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
