Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
