We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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