i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
