I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
