remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Hippo gnu deer
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
