Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
