Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
