So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
