she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
