Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
