I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
