i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
