i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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