I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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