Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
