Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
