Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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