Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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