All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
