Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
