Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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