I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
