I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
