at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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