are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
