I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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