All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
