Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just forgot I was standing up.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
