textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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