i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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