capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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