It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
