How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
