We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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