I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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