Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
