Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
